Jan. 16th, 2017

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grampyre:

iconic

you don’t have to know anything about Star Wars, but PLEASE watch this.
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jerseydevious:

you know, if palpatine ever showed vader the death star schematics, wouldn’t vader - being a mechanical genius - have been able to pick out the flaw with the reactor shaft?

imagine palpatine launching an evil monologue while vader stares at this gigantic flaw, sweating

#you know i get the feeling vader really wanted the death star to get blown to smithereens (via @jerseydevious)

well, i got the same feeling. imagine vader just standing there, not listening anymore, only staring right at this super. obiovious. (to him) USELESS FUCKING FLAW and just not saying anything. maybe he should say something. sheev’s probably testing him or something. 

but as emperor’s monologue drags on, the fact that no one here, besides vader, is aware of the issue is becoming more evident. 

darth “everything proceeds as i’ve foreseen” sidious didn’t notice it. he’s staring right at the reactor shaft. he’s not seeing it. so vader keeps mum.

then rebels steal the plans and send a couple of x-wings against the friggin’ death star. as far as tarkin’s concerned, it’s like sending a couple of flies to stop an avalanche. and our man vader in that moment is like, “welp, i suddenly discovered my new calling as a flyswatter,” and gets the fuck out of that station

@fialleril

“Is… Is no one else seeing this? Someone on the design committee must have seen this. Tell me you’re all seeing this.”

“Seeing what, Lord Vader?”

“The huge obvious…”

You know what? Screw these guys. I told them this budget-killing monstrosity was a bad idea.

“Obvious lack of any place to get a decent coffee. This thing is the size of a small moon. Would it kill you to call Starbucks and tell them to open up a location in it? I hate Imperial-issue coffee.”

“We’ll get right on that, sir.”

@tmwrighting that’s beautiful.

But imagine this is a meeting with the engineers, including Galen Erso (Krennic was not invited, of course. Mostly because Vader doesn’t feel like dealing with his simpering).

Galen is already sweating bullets, trying not to think treasonous thoughts, lest Vader picks them up with his Sith Magic.And then the seven foot tall monstrosity asks:

“Is no one else seeing this?”

Erso is about to quietly hyperventilate. He couldn’t say anything even if he wanted to. Fortunately, the other engineers are innocently clueless.

“Seeing what, Lord Vader?”

“The huge obvious…”

There’s a suspenseful pause. Galen takes advantage of it to plan what’s he’s going to say to Lyra, if they meet beyond.

“…obvious lack of any place to get a decent coffee,” finishes Vader.

Erso is too shocked to do anything. Which is fortunate, otherwise he might’ve collapsed to the floor right then and there.

After the meeting, Galen stumbles into his room and retrieves a bottle of space vodka from its hiding place.

This is why I hate the Empire, he thinks hysterically, chugging the alcohol straight from the bottle.

He hopes Vader chokes on his coffee.

Darth Vader: the most quietly yet violently nettled person alive.
Forget about hatred and widower-grief and regret and all that. At this stage, it’s just pure annoyance at being (evidently) surrounded by complete and utter simpletons. Very Faustian, really.

I like the idea that sometimes when Luke is bored he’ll go to a place strong in the Force and ask Anakin’s force-ghost something about the Empire. Then listen to the disgruntled ranting with satisfaction, because his father’s experience confirms everything the Rebellion always thought about the Empire, with added emphasis on the incompetence.

And that sometimes, in a place strong in the Dark Side of the Force, where Luke has brought some poor padawan for their trial like Yoda brought Luke to the cave, and Darth Vader’s spirit unexpectedly emerges–not part of the trial but because this sometimes happens when Luke is around–and it looks like this is too much for the poor trainee too soon, Luke will step in and say “Hello Father. We were wondering if you’d tell us your thoughts on the Death Star.”

And 3 hours later, Luke and the padawan would emerge from the Dark Place, emptied of fear and marvelling at the boundless stupidity and banality that permeated every eschalon of the Galactic Empire.

Y’know, I feel like being the killjoy here.

I never saw the exhaust port as a giant, obvious weakness that the Empire was stupid to build in.

It’s a tiny two-meter wide exhaust port on something the size of a small moon, located in a recessed opening, with shields over it, surrounded by turbolasers. Oh, and the station it is on has a whole fleets worth of TIEs on it.

Complaining about it as this giant weak point always seemed to me the equivalent of pointing at a tank and going “that thing is a death trap. If someone walks up to it and puts a grenade down the barrel while there’s a round in the chamber, the whole thing will explode!”

And it’s like… yes? The idea is to not let that happen? The reactors have gotta have their exhaust ports somewhere. It’s an impossible shot even if you get past the swarms of TIEs and the flak cannons.

Sure, they didn’t count on the force. You can’t design your weapons based around the possibility of some Jedi making impossible one-in-a-million shots that’ll destroy them. Nobody would ever build anything, they’d just give up.

The problem wasn’t the exhaust port. It was Tarkin not having a better CAP.

The poor Imperial inspector who used that logic. “But.. but.. who would’ve thought someone could actually make that shot? It was a million to one shot!”

“A Jedi could!”

“But we killed all the Jedi! Blame the dudes who were hunting the Jedi!”

The next day an Inquisitor is at Vader’s lava palace conference platform pleading “Okay, we missed one. And it was a big one, a.. a… Skywalker but ALL the records said Anakin was the last of that family line! Who knew he had kids? Who could have thought to check around to see if a celibate warrior-priest had kids?”

1) The small reactor shaft above the main shaft was protected. It had ray shielding, and Red Leader’s direct torpedo hit was stopped by that shielding. 

It started defended.

2) At the point of assault, the trench had cannons lining it, so somebody sat down and said “When an enemy attempts to fly down here, have them meet a faceful of blaster fire”. Lots of blaster fire, that fires down the line of a trench, and for which the sides of the trench must have been armoured to take a hit from those guns.

So it was defensible.  

3) Y-Wings got murdered as they attempted the run. X-Wings got well murdered as they attempted the run. 

It was capable of being defended.

4) Galen Erso was a terrible saboteur who built a giant fuse on the heart of the Death Star, and it took Jedi Junior backed up by the WeedDealerSpeedWagon to light the damn thing up… from a free throw line with an untargeted shot.

Vader must have been thoroughly annoyed “I TOLD EVERYONE THAT I COULD HAVE MADE THAT SHOT. IT’S NOT IMPOSSIBLE FOR SOMEONE WHO FLIES T-12s ON WOMP RAT HUNTS IF YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING”

5). Seriously though, Galen was a design genius BUT THE BOOBY TRAP SELF DESTRUCTION DEVICE IS NO PLACE FOR MINIMALISM.

I figured Galen thought they’d send a team to infiltrate the place, not try to attack it with starfighters.

^^^

You are all giant nerds and I love every one of you.

@zamboni-whisperer @shes-a-voodoo-child

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