Apr. 14th, 2017

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whoopsrobots:

auroralynches:

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I’m reading up on chocolate frog cards in the Harry Potter universe, for reasons, and-

“Came up with the ever changing floor plan.” 

Really, Ravenclaw? Really?

“You know what this school needs? To not make any sense-”

“Rowena, I don’t think-”

“Exactly, you don’t think. I’m brilliant and this is perfect. Moving staircases, walls that think they’re doors-”

“But how will the students get to class?”

“They’ll have to figure it out.”

“…”

“Everyday. They will figure it out everyday. My students will live in a tower and navigate these stairs every time.”

“The stairs move! This doesn’t seem safe…I think I’ll put my common room in the basement, Rowena.”

“Ditto. I think the dungeons would be safer…”

“…My kids will brave these stairs. I’ll take the other tower.”

#Rowena snipes that ‘cunning’ means Salazar’s students should be able to handle the moving architecture#Salazar snipes back that ‘cunning’ means knowing when and how to avoid unnecessary bullshit#meanwhile Godric is just yelling PARKOUR! and Rowena is all That’s Not What I Meant#Helga would like her students to make it to class on time and without any broken bones#ninety percent of the reliable secret passages were a team effort by Helga and one of the others#to make sure the house elves could get around all right (via @mzminola)

#i feel like the collaboration was probably hufflepuff and slytherin#in the only time they ever worked together#helga: students and house elves can move safely!#salazar: more places to hide snakes#salazar is like we should make these accessible to people with no legs#helga is like i mean i agree but why are you being so nice about this#salazar is like no reason hey I’m just gonna make some of these rely on snake language for fun#do you think a fifty foot snake would fit in this passage asking for a friend (via @dinosauriaawesome)

i’m literally crying this is 100% what happened

(hey tumblr please don’t delete the previous people’s comments like you did the last time i added someone’s tags to a post mmkay)

No but that’s actually so clever okay like the people who live in the castle would get a general idea of the patterns and how to move around efficiently but like for anyone planning on attacking it would be impossible to infiltrate like how the hell do I attack the headmaster when I can’t even find the bathroom why the fuck am I in a chemistry supply closet okay these stairs went to the main hall but now I’m on my way to the broom closets holy fucking shit fuck leonard SAID the dorm was on the left of the three headed hippogriff but I’m here and it’s just a painting of a man with a donkey face is this a fucikgin joke leonard do you think this is funny because it’snot. its not okay siri how the hell do i get to the nearest anything “here is: the nearest painting” like fuck you siri 
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lannamichaels:

gnomerino:

You go to the grocery store. You are surrounded by food but there is nothing to eat.

It is mealtime. You want to eat. Everything in your refrigerator is made of potatoes.

You search your house with a candle and a feather. In the morning, you throw a paper bag into the fire. Suddenly everything you ate last week belongs to no one.

Elijah the Prophet is invited to your dinner party. You never see him show up, but people swear he drank from his wine cup.

The holidays will never end. In fact, you’ve already started counting toward the next one.

You used to eat green beans. But now someone thinks you may make bread out of green beans, so now you can’t eat green beans.

Day five. You believe you will never again eat anything that doesn’t incorporate potatoes in some way. Rice eaters seem like the luckiest people in the world.

A weasel has brought a crust of bread into your back yard. You panic. The rabbi says not to worry, because the weasel is not employed by you.

“If we worry about the weasel, there will be no end to things,” the rabbi says, This is meant to comfort you. It does not. There are invisible bugs in your broccoli.

Everything tastes of almonds, but you’re certain it’s not cyanide…

You sing a song in what your ancient book calls ‘poorly-written Aramaic’ about animals devouring each other and being in turn devoured. It is a fun song, the children sing along, stamp along, clap along gleefully. One little goat, one little goat. You are screaming the words now. One goat begins a cycle of disorder and destruction which must ultimately end in the intervention of the Angel of Death and then that of God. You are meddling with forces you cannot possibly comprehend. The old words in the language you cannot speak flow unbidden from your tongue, one little goat, chad gadya. 

Everything around you seems dusty, as if it’s been left in a box for a year and only just taken out. Among the piles of carboard boxes, something is stirring.

You dip your finger in your wine, a drop of wine each in remembrance of the plagues which destroyed your enemies long ago. The thick red liquid drips off your finger.

…Time to bring this one back. :-)

Rereblogging in honor of the absurd amount of money I have spent on potato-based foodstuffs.

The holidays are late this year. They are late every year. Except for the years that they are early. You wonder when the holidays are supposed to arrive. No one knows but they are late.

….time for this to go around again. Chag kasher v’sameach, everyone!

“I cannot tell you what today is, only what yesterday was.” You nod. It will be 7 weeks before these yesterdays end and someone will tell you about today.
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Thanks 

I don’t know which I find funnier “fuck shit up” or “faire smashy smashy”

TO DO SMASHY SMASH

French: faire smashy smash 

English: to fuck shit up

okay but the german is just as funny

😂👌🏻 but this is no German… most probably Dutch. but at least as funny! which is even funnier, because Dutch is always funny for German speaking people 😂 no offense though

Dutch sounds like English people taking the piss out of German to me.
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that’s who we really are. (x)
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HUFFLEPUFF: “The benchmark of a civilized society is the quality of its justice.” –Michael S. Chernuchin (Jack McCoy: Law and Order: Thinking Makes It So)
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