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We start with a slow pan down to Gotham as Oracle narrates

“Ask your average person who Gotham’s most famous citizen is, and you’ll get the same response every time: Bruce Wayne. Everybody’s heard of Bruce Wayne. You’ve probably heard his name a million times before. But there are some things that the average citizen doesn’t know about him. See, to the people of Gotham, Bruce Wayne is a rich kid who never grew up. They think he’s a buffoon, an airhead, a moron. But the truth is…”

*Batman bursts out of a window, screaming, on fire*

*record scratch, freeze frame*

“…they aren’t entirely wrong about that.”


This is then followed by a series of clips from interviews with various Gotham citizens, all of whom give humorously ironic descriptions of Bruce Wayne’s idiocy:

“Bruce Wayne? I hear the guy gets through a super-car every month! Replaces every one, just like that!”

*Cut to shot of the Batmobile flipping end-over-end after slamming into one of Bane’s APCs*

“Wayne? Please! The guy would probably have accidentally killed himself years ago if he didn’t have that butler to babysit him!”
*Cut to Alfred physically restraining Bruce from going out to fight Scarecrow while having a broken arm, a concussion, and the flu,*

“I bet he throws away cash like it grows on trees!”

*Cut to Batman shouting “Hey, Lucius! Ask R&D to make some kryptonite/Nth metal alloy baterangs! Y’know, just in case!”

“I’m almost jealous. Super rich and he gets to hang out with gorgeous women across the world? Sign me up!”

*Cut to Bruce being slammed face first into a wall repeatedly by Lady Shiva.*

@smut-smut-in-the-butt this seems like something you’d be interested in

This is the Batman I long for.
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jeb124: (Default)

um, cute???

(Gotham Knights #22)
(Your picture was not posted)


Jan. 31st, 2017 01:34 am
jeb124: (Default)


Brucie Wayne. Multi-billionaire. The media’s darling. Patron of Gotham City. Womanizer.

Bruce Wayne hasn’t been seen with a young model on his arm for forever, it seems. But after all that time, what has changed?

Simple, really.

“And who might this hot toddy be? Share, won’t you, Brucie?“ 

Bruce chokes on his drink. Dennis Faber, resident playboy since ‘98 and fellow Princeton graduate, is leering at Cassandra. Cass is taking it in stride, smiling politely if uncertainly.

Bruce, however, is NOT. 

“This is my daughter,” he growls in a scandalized undertone.

Dennis gulps. His eyes widen and he steps back. “I-I see,” he stammers. He considers this for a moment, then collects himself and smiles winningly. “You’re eighteen though, right?” he addresses Cassandra. 

Bruce doesn’t even think. He steps forward. 

In a blink of an eye Dennis has collected his date, keys, and overcoat and is GONE. 

Bruce clenches his fist, teeth painfully gritted. Cassandra hovers behind him. He takes a breath. It wouldn’t do to lose his temper now. He turns around to look at her, wilting a little because she never should have been there to suffer through that. 

The girl is pursing her lips thoughtfully. “I,” Cassandra announces after a moment, “am a hot toddy.” 

“Oh, sweetheart…” And Bruce is at her side, sad and sympathetic. “No, you are not,” he tells her, looking into her dark eyes. “You are my daughter, a fiercely talented individual, and a young woman deserving respect.“ 

Cassandra is silent. She looks up into Bruce’s eyes, nods a little. “Yeah…”

Bruce exhales in relief.

Then Cass smirks. “And a hot toddy.”

Bruce balks as she sashays off. He closes his eyes. Nothing will be the same ever again.

Ring ring!

“No, don’t, Cassie, pleas–”

“Wayne Residence, hot toddy speaking.”

“Cass that’s Gotham Hearth and Home Magazine!”
jeb124: (Default)


bruce wayne maintains a presence on all conspiracy theory boards with the screen name BruceWayneIsTheBatman and all his posts have titles like “BRUCE WAINE IS BAT-MAN INDISPUTABLE PROOF” and it’s just a picture of Bruce Wayne from the back next to a picture of Batman from behind and they both have the contours of their butt drawn on in a shitty MSPaint red line (note: Bruce is in a suit and Batman has a cape, neither of their butts are clearly discernible) and the quote “THE BUTTS MATCH!!! THE FACTS DON’T LIE!!!!!” and he makes at least three of these posts a day, and “Bruce Wayne is the Batman” becomes a meme a la “Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer” and he gets asked about it on a talk show and he laughs uproariously at the idea and Stephen Colbert just HAPPENS to have a batman mask under the desk and they do a bit together where Bruce Wayne puts on the mask and walks around saying things like “excuse me, bank robbers, can I perhaps offer you some money to stop you robbing this bank?” and “I say, cease and desist your criminal behavior or I’ll have my butler ask you to leave” and the audience is LOSING THEIR MINDS laughing at the idea of this pampered rich guy taking on the Joker on a bi-weekly basis and then anyone who suggests “Bruce Wayne is Batman” in earnest gets met with mocking “oh man do the butts match” comments

Imagine, someday, the Joker actually finding out a) that Batman is Bruce Wayne and b) that he’s spent their entire shared career being completely and utterly trolled by this stoic asshole in a bat suit and by that utterly hapless billionaire, and then Bruce-the-Batman leans in and whispers, “The butts match. The facts don’t lie,” and Jokes can only stare at him in complete and utter awe because Bruce Wayne as the Batman he can sort of wrap his brain around but Bruce Wayne and the Batman are that ridiculously wrong conspiracy theorist TOO, and he’s RIGHT?!!!

It’s the best and biggest bluecreen of the Joker’s life, and somehow, he’s never been happier.
jeb124: (Default)




This is from Batman: Gotham adventures Vol 2 #9. 

someone hug him ;_;

batman attempts to joke around as bruce persona but ends up disassociating a 20 part novel

If anyone ever asks, THIS is my Batman.
jeb124: (Default)



tim drake’s snapchat is 90% him making bruce wayne do normal middle-class american things and filming the results. popular youtube compilations include the one where they’re at denny’s at two in the morning and tim keeps trying to get bruce to order a moon over my hammy just so he’ll have to say it, the one where they’re at disneyworld and bruce gets increasingly frazzled culminating in him actually physically picking up gaston for reasons no one can entirely recall, and everyone’s favorite series “bruce wayne doesn’t understand walmart”

having thought about it the best part is probably when a pranking fails because bruce has such a bizarre patchwork of knowledge/skills and it does not occur to him to hide most of it. tim puts a ghost pepper in bruce’s food but bruce just eats it like nothing is wrong. the same thing happens with the chocolate-covered crickets. it turns out bruce can lick his own elbow. bruce can lasso a runaway robot lawnmower like it’s a calf at a rodeo. whenever tim expresses shock that bruce knows how to do something he says “i did go to college, tim” as if that explains anything and it becomes a meme. whenever anyone does something fucking absurd it just gets tagged “i did go to college, tim”.

The camera came uncomfortably close to the face of a man ignoring it. He was very good at it. He was reading a book about, of all things, the history of denim. It was not the sort of book that made it easy to ignore cameras, but he remained stoic.

The caption said helpfully: [been doing this for 30 mins]

“Bruce. Bruce. Bruce. We need to go Walmart. Bruce. I need it.”

“Ask Alfred.”


“It’s a surprise for Alfred.”

“You can’t surprise Alfred.”

“Bruce, please.”


“It’s not a matter of permission, I’m saying you literally can’t surprise Alfred.”


[he hates when i say that]



“This is bullroar.”

Bruce finally set down his book with an expression of the most profound disgust.


[oh no now we’ll be here all day]

“—either curse or don’t, just commit one way or the other instead of—”


The camera took its time panning over a black BMW.

“Can I drive?”



[after this he took away my music privileges]

Bruce was driving, looking stoic again. His face lent itself well to stoicism. The radio played, at high volume, “Sandstorm” by Darude.


“I’ll play something different this time.”

“You had your chance and you blew it on a meme.”



“I’m boooored.”

“Hi, bored,” Bruce said, eyes still on the road, and Tim groaned loudly. “I don’t give a shit.”

The view shifted and audio clattered as Tim dropped the phone, barking a laugh.


The phone was wobbly as Tim followed Bruce into the store. “Can I get a trampoline?” he asked, camera pointed to one outside the store.

“We have three trampolines.”

“But I want that one.”


They were in the chip aisle. “Have you ever had a Dorito? One Dorito? In your whole life?”

“I am a person. I eat food for people.”


The camera followed a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos into the cart.

“We’re not getting those.”

“We need to get sour cream, too.”


“You’ll love it.”



Tim had put the seatbelt of the cart’s seat, intended for toddlers, around a giant plastic jar of orange cheese puffs.

“I thought you were getting something for Alfred.”

“I’m getting groceries while we’re here.”

“None of this is food.”


[$3 pickles blowing his mind rn]

Bruce was holding a gallon jar of pickles with an expression of incredulity.

“—costs extra to not waste food?”

“It’s Walmart.”

“Even taking into account the economies of scale—”


[putting his degree to use in the pickle aisle]

“—it just makes no sense even as a loss leader, unless the goal is to drive the competition out of business and hope they don’t go bankrupt in the—”


[i think he’s buying a pickle company??]

Bruce had every appearance of furiously texting on his phone, or possibly composing emails.


[lmao he did]

Bruce was now on his phone, looking impassive as ever as he contemplated the giant jar of pickles.

“—the business itself is perfectly sound. Yes. Obviously. Dead serious. Look, if you—”


Tim put a gallon jug of ranch dressing into the cart.

“Absolutely not.”


Tim was in the frozen section, his reflection visible in the glass.

“I bet Alfred would love some pizza rolls.”

“Your lies demean us both, Tim.”


Bruce was standing in the toy aisle, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “I understand the concept of blind boxes perfectly well, thank you.”

“Then why are you acting confused?”

“Why does Thomas the Tank Engine—”



Bruce was making a face of disgruntled bafflement at a display of baby clothes.

“—disturbed by the amount of aggressive heterosexuality being foisted on these babies.”

“Yeah,” Tim agreed. “What about the gay babies?”

“I can’t tell if you’re joking but I’m unironically concerned.”


[gotham pride]

The camera panned over a display of hero-themed hats. Most of the Batman hats had sold out, while the Superman display was nearly full. It panned back to Bruce, who was taking a picture with his own phone.

“Who you texting it to?”

“Friend in Metropolis.”

“Metropolis sucks.”

“Yes. Yes it does.”


[no escape]

The camera peered out slowly from behind a clothing display. Bruce was surrounded by enthusiastic and friendly women. It was impossible to tell what they were talking about.



Bruce was holding a dress up against himself. The women around him seemed delighted and were nodding their approval.


[i’ll strike while he’s distracted]

Tim dropped another two four-movie collections of Shrek on top of the considerable pile he’d already amassed. He panned up to check that Bruce had not caught him before grabbing another.



While Bruce put DVDs back on the shelf, Tim surreptitiously grabbed a Shrek coloring book.


[he’s gonna get a fish]

Bruce was frowning at the wall of fishtanks in silence. Finally he said, “These fish are very unhealthy.”



The man attempting to help Bruce looked baffled. Bruce gestured to the entire display of fish with a nod. The man shook his head. Tim brought his phone close to a betta, blue and red with a tattered and graying tail.

“We’re here to save you,” Tim stage-whispered to it.


Bruce was now engrossed in conversation with multiple employees.

“—if I bought some tanks — they’re much too small but as a temporary measure — we could transfer them directly and it might be less distressing for the fish.”

“Maybe I could get one of the big dolly carts from the back?” one young man suggested.


The low camera angle suggested Tim was trying to be surreptitious.

“—for trying to unionize is completely against the law,” Bruce was saying, his voice low. He was helping three other employees transfer fish into large plastic tanks.

“At-will employment,” one woman said.

“We’d have to prove that was why they fired us,” someone clarified. “Otherwise they can say it was for no reason.”

“You’re shitting me.”


“—fucking with my hours hoping I’ll quit.”

“What? Why?”

“If they fired me, they’d have to pay unemployment.”

“That’s why they won’t let me work full-time.”

“What the fuck.”


[omg he’s stealing the employees now]

“—in Gotham, but there’s more opportunities outside of manufacturing if you’re willing to move.”

“Wait, so do you mean like for management?”

“No, no, that’s the starting wage for someone working assembly, quality control, that kind of thing. We’re all unionized, none of this at-will bullshit.”

“So if I—”


The woman from earlier was showing Bruce her phone while the others continued moving fish.

“You painted this?” Bruce asked. She nodded. “That’s fantastic. Are you showing it anywhere? I know a guy with a gallery — actually I know pretty much everyone with an art gallery in Gotham. I think I have a friend who’d really love this, if you don’t mind me making some calls for you.”


Four more employees had joined the menagerie.

“—almost always hiring in Gotham. People are always moving to cities with fewer evil clowns.” Everyone laughed. Tim snorted. “Employee insurance totally covers acts of supervillainy, though.”


[trying to crush the revolution]

The employees had not dispersed. In the distance, someone managerial was talking to Bruce. He looked much less amused than Bruce did.



Tim had switched to the selfie camera, his face pure glee. He turned bodily to show the employees wheeling out tanks of fish out of the store, police lights in the parking lot.

“The manager tried to make Bruce leave but he insisted on paying for his fish and he wouldn’t stop giving people better jobs so the guy said it was corporate espionage and threatened to call the cops and Bruce called his bluff so he did it.”



Bruce was laughing with the police officers about something. The manager from earlier had been joined by men in suits. None of them looked happy. Some of the employees from earlier were yelling and flipping them off. One man pulled off the shirt of his uniform and started setting it on fire.


Bruce was on the phone in the parking lot.

“They’re small, most of them are tropical. You can figure out what they are when you get here. How is that racist? I’m not suggesting you already know them, I’m well aware you don’t personally know every single fish—”


“Either you take these fish or I toss them in the sewer and Killer Croc can eat them. It will be a merciful death compared to what they were getting. It doesn’t matter where I found them.”


[i’m not allowed near toxic waste]

Tim held the betta from earlier in front of his phone, bringing it dangerously close to Bruce’s face. Bruce had hung up, but seemed to be dialing another number.

“I’m keeping this one,” Tim said.


“If I drop him in toxic waste do you think he’ll get powers?”

“We’ve already had this discussion.”


[the pettiest man in gotham]

Bruce was on the phone again, looking out at the empty field beside the Walmart parking lot.

“Yeah, just buy the whole thing. Yeah. Absolutely sure. Green Market’s doing good, we’ll build another one of those. Can we put up a billboard while it’s under construction? A really big billboard.”


“First of all, if it’s in writing, it’s libel. Second, figures taken directly from their report to shareholders aren’t defamatory. What’s the most they could even sue me for? See, that’s nothing. Bad PR for them, good for us, it's—”


Tim had switched to the selfie camera again, and was using a sparkling purple filter that made his eyes look huge. He backed into Bruce so that Bruce’s face would be in the shot. “Bruce, look! You’re a pretty pretty princess!”

Bruce raised an eyebrow as he looked at his face on the screen. “I’m always a pretty princess,” he said seriously.


[he picked the music this time]

Bruce was driving again. He was listening to 100 Little Curses without any apparent irony. This did not mean there wasn’t any irony.


[i named him wally]

The Walmart betta was now in a tank that held at least a hundred gallons. His underwater castle was resplendent. His tail had grown in, a shimmering gradient of red and blue. Bruce could be seen in the background through the tank, sitting on the couch and reading a book.
jeb124: (Default)



you know for adoption you gotta go through paper signings and background checks and so much other shit? i bet for bruce they got him on speed-adopt like they just “bruce wayne wants another one” “idc let him have it”

they just have stacks upon stacks of adoption papers ready for bruce.

“he wants another one?”
“the papers are in that closet, pre packaged.”

his signature is probably a stamp now so when he walks in they just wave him on like “already took care of it have fun with fatherhood bye”


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