oh my god, is this my thing now. OKAY, fair warning, this one’s gonna be… real long.
OKAY SO LIKE. way back in the waybackwhen, we’ve been kicked outta judea for the… first? second? first time. (we got kicked out of israel/judea a… few times. we got kicked out of spain twice, we got kicked out of the netherlands three times, we got kicked out of france and bavaria five times, we got kicked out of mainz in particular four times
god bless the gentiles honestly they’re god’s appointed travel agency. ANYWAY)
so we’re in persia. and we’re under the rule of king ahasueare– king ahahasay– king ahasueueueueue-
KING AHASARARUARAUAEREASS, who is having a Party
and king ahdahahaah has a wife, vashti, who is among the hottest women in the whole country.
king aheshhh, who is quite drunk at this point, is like VASHTI. VASHTI I WANT YOU TO COME OUT AND HAVE FUN AT THIS PARTY. I WANT YOU TO COME OUT AND DANCE FOR US AND WEAR YOUR CROWN
vashti is like ughhhhhhhh FINE
king aaaaaaahhahaha is like …ONLY YOUR CROWN
vashti is like …not fine
so, because this is ancient persia and men are terrible, vashti is promptly divorced and king aughjesus decides to hold the Country’s Biggest Beauty Contest, where the Most Beautiful Women in Persia will all audition to be his wife!!! (I TOLD YOU MEN WERE TERRIBLE)
MEANWHILE haman, a smug motherfucker with a three-pointed hat, is a councillor for the king. haman, because ancient persia does not have any kind of government that could be labeled “sensible”, makes a law that says Everyone In This Country Must Bow Down To Me When I Pass, because Reasons.
BUT, guess who does not bow down to people, you guessed right, it is the jews. chiefly and specifically in this instance an equally smug (but much less powerful) motherfucker by the name of mordecai.
haman passes mordecai, is like “you don’t look like you’re bowing??? that is not a bow shape??? exPLAIN.” mordecai is like “r u god? i don’t think yr god? i think god would have better taste in hats? so”
so haman is plotting like a motherfucker, which he is, and mordecai is Mad Afraid, but there is no time for plotting or fear because guess what it’s beauty contest time, motherfuckers
and guess who mordecai has enrolled in it, it is HIS NIECE, ESTHER
esther is hotter than vashti, but, like, in a chiller way. in my head, samira wiley. (in my head, esther is a lesbian. in my head esther is my girlfriend. right. ANYWAY)
king ahooleyhoo immediately picks esther, as she is the Most Beautiful Woman In A Ten Thousand Mile Radius (as are all jews OBVIOUSLY), and she is taken up into the palace to be the most beautiful and powerful woman in a ten thousand mile radius. and she is also mad smart, so
meanwhile haman has finished his Plotting and has resulted in this: he is going to get revenge against mordecai by Killing All The Jews.
“oh yeah,” say the jews. “real original.”
mordecai goes, well, coincidentally, i happen to have a niece who is the queen of persia. and ollies over like ESTHER? ESTHER HAMAN IS PLOTTING TO KILL US ALL. ALL THE JEWS. DO SOMETHING
esther is like, i have a solution to this. the solution involves getting naked.
so she holds a banquet for her husband the king, and at the banquet is like WOW… GOSH… I’M VERY NAKED… AT THIS BEAUTIFUL BANQUET. WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A LOT OF SEX AND GOOD FOOD, DARLING HUSBAND
darling husband is like fuck yes, gets drunk as shit. esther is like okay. yes. now that you are full of good food and heavily sexed up, can i have a thing. can that thing be that you vow to protect me from anyone who wants to kill me
…sure, says king aheshehaara. sg.
great, says esther. havin a banquet tomorrow night too. be there or be square
king ajldfghfdghk;dfghufgsdoi has no desire to be square, so he comes to the banquet tomorrow night to find that esther has also invited… HAMAN? “well,” he thinks to himself, “i have never pictured this threesome before, but y’know, life is a rich tapestry”
but eventually esther goes “ah okay remember that promise to protect me from anyone who would kill me. what if i told you. i knew a dude who would do that thing”
“I WOULD SUPER KILL THAT DUDE,” says king ahassafrass, who has exactly 2 problem-solving methods
“great,” says esther. “what if i told you… THIS IS THE DUDE.” AND SHE POINTS AT THE DUDE. WHO IS HAMAN. WHO IS AT THE TABLE!!!
!!!!! says king ahahahahhfewsse.
!!!!!! says esther.
¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡ says haman.
so esther REVEALS SHE IS A JEW! and that haman is implicitly PLOTTING TO KILL HER! (“i didn’t– I WAS NOT AWARE,” says haman. “WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING CHECKED THEN,” says esther. “OR WAIT. ANOTHER SOLUTION. IT’S DAWNING ON ME. AN EPIPHANY. YOU COULD NOT KILL PEOPLE”)
the king has haman hanged on the gallows on which he was planning to hang all the jews. and guess who is instituted as councillor in his place, that’s right, MORDECAI
who declares that the anniversary of Us Not Being Dead shall be celebrated every year forever with dressing up in costumes, and also that we shall eat little cookies shaped like haman’s hat, and also that whenever haman’s name is mentioned we will yell like hell
hey, says king aharseadslic. could, theoretically, this holiday include getting so drunk you can’t tell the difference between mordecai and haman
…i guess so, says mordecai
right, says king ahasuerus. carry on, haman
AND SO WE CONTINUE THESE TRADITIONS OF EATING COOKIES, WEARING COSTUMES, AND GETTIN SLOSHED, even SCATTERED ACROSS THE WORLD; and yes, i will be spending my thursday gettin drunk on my way to rome
so pour yrself a whiskey, put on a fake beard, and raise a glass: it’s purim 5776, and guess what, motherfuckers?
you still ain’t managed to kill us yet.