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dduane:

motorizedduck:

roachpatrol:

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megabeeprime:

froborr:

roachpatrol:

roachpatrol:

prokopetz:

writebastard:

prokopetz:

Random Headcanon: That Federation vessels in Star Trek seem to experience bizarre malfunctions with such overwhelming frequency isn’t just an artefact of the television serial format. Rather, it’s because the Federation as a culture are a bunch of deranged hyper-neophiles,
tooling around in ships packed full of beyond-cutting-edge tech they
don’t really understand. Endlessly frustrating if you have to fight
them, because they can pull an effectively unlimited number of bullshit
space-magic countermeasures out of their arses - but they’re as likely
as not to give themselves a lethal five-dimensional wedgie in the
process. All those rampant holograms and warp core malfunctions and
accidentally-traveling-back-in-time incidents? That doesn’t actually
happen to anyone else; it’s literally just Federation vessels that go off the rails like that. And they do so on a fairly regular basis.

So to everyone else in the galaxy, all humans are basically Doc Brown.

Aliens who have seen the Back to the Future movies literally don’t realise that Doc Brown is meant to be funny. They’re just like “yes, that is exactly what all human scientists are like in my experience”.

THE ONLY REASON SCOTTY IS CHIEF ENGINEER INSTEAD OF SOMEONE FROM A SPECIES WITH A HIGHER TECHNOLOGICAL APTITUDE IS BECAUSE EVERYONE FROM THOSE SPECIES TOOK ONE LOOK AT THE ENTERPRISE’S ENGINE ROOM AND RAN AWAY SCREAMING

vulcan science academy: why do you need another warp core

humans: we’re going to plug two of them together and see if we go twice as fast

vsa: last time we gave you a warp core you threw it into a sun to see if the sun would go twice as fast

humans: hahaha yeah

humans: it did tho

vsa: IT EXPLODED

humans: it exploded twice as fast

I love this. Especially because of how well it plays with my headcanon that the Federation does so much better against the Borg than anyone else because beating the Borg with military tactics is nigh-impossible, but beating them with wacky superscience shenanigans works as long as they’re unique wacky superscience shenanigans.

Yeah, I love this.

Reminds me of the thing I wrote a while back about Humans in high fantasy realms - they’re basically Team Fuck It Hold My Beer I Got This.

Impulsive, passionate to a fault, the social structures they build to try and regulate this hotheadedness ironically creates even greater levels of sheer bull-headedness. Even their “cooler” heads take action in months or weeks.

All their great heroes of the past were impossibly rash by galactic standards. Humans Just Go With It, which is their great flaw but also their greatest strength.

klingons: okay we don’t get it

vulcan science academy: get what

klingons: you vulcans are a bunch of stuffy prisses but you’re also tougher, stronger, and smarter than humans in every single way

klingons: why do you let them run your federation

vulcan science academy: look

vulcan science academy: this is a species where if you give them two warp cores they don’t do experiments on one and save the other for if the first one blows up

vulcan science academy: this is a species where if you give them two warp cores, they will ask for a third one, immediately plug all three into each other, punch a hole into an alternate universe where humans subscribe to an even more destructive ideological system, fight everyone in it because they’re offended by that, steal their warp cores, plug those together, punch their way back here, then try to turn a nearby sun into a torus because that was what their initial scientific experiment was for and they didn’t want to waste a trip. 

vulcan science academy: they did that last week. we have the write-up right here. it’s getting published in about six hundred scientific journals across two hundred different disciplines because of how many established theories their ridiculous little expedition has just called into question. also, they did turn that sun into a torus, and no one actually knows how. 

vulcan science academy: this is why we let them do whatever the hell they want. 

klingons: …. can we be a part of your federation

Humans: so, uh, funny story

Vulcan Science Academy: Let us guess - you’re not here to return the two warp cores we loaned you for experimentation, and you’re here to tell us that both of them were destroyed at once while you were trying to turn a sun into a torus again

Humans: well, half right

VSA: Wait, what is this

Humans: This is sixteen warp cores

VSA: How is this

Humans: Turns out that at the center of the stellar toroid there was a subspace anomaly that—

VSA: PLEASE don’t

Humans: —caused a refractive tachyon emission that—

VSA: This is literally impossible in every sense of the word

Humans: — depolarized the warp fields and in short—

VSA: Just no

Humans: — the warp fields got cloned and we ended up with four.

VSA: But you brought back sixteen

Humans: We had to repeat the experiment a couple of times to make sure it wasn’t a fluke

VSA: What about the “stellar toroid” of yours

Humans: It’s now a stellar triquetra

(snicker) Sold. :)
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icheb-of-nine:

I can’t believe this is a real movie 
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trek-tracks:

My name is Bones

And wen its day

I jab you with

A hypospraey

Accept yur fate

With joy I lurk

I vaccinate

I stabb the Kirk
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benadrylthegoodstuff:

mattfog:

“where did this weird trope even come from?”

well, statistically speaking, probably star trek

#fuck or die #time travel #gangsters? #evil twin #detectives #they’re all Star Trek #everything is Star Trek #I am Star Trek #even you are Star Trek #there is no escaping (via purringvulcan​)
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rabidchild67:

iphyslitterator:

I’ve been rewatching the original Star Trek movies for reasons, and somehow I don’t think I ever really put it together that Kirk stole the Enterprise and ruined his career with no expectation at all that he was going to get Spock back. The whole plan was to get Spock’s body and bring it and McCoy to Mount Seleya to do whatever Vulcan mystic funeral they need to do to preserve his katra; they didn’t know about Spock’s body being regenerated until they got to Genesis.

So Kirk’s endgame here was to end up both widowed and dishonorably discharged, with no Spock and no possibility of ever sitting on the bridge of a starship again. That is: without any of the things that make Jim Kirk’s life worth living.

He didn’t sacrifice everything to save Spock. He wasn’t supposed to get a damn thing for himself out of this mission. He sacrificed everything because if there’s even a chance that Spock has an eternal soul, then it’s his responsibility. In death as in life.
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calicosjack:

“that was not my intention” ft. the expressions
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sushinfood:

castellankurze:

quasi-normalcy:

startrekships:

airyairyquitecontrary:

blue-author:

unstoppablyplushjuggernaut:

KIRK THIS WHY YOU GOTTA FILL OUT THE LOG

I’ve heard the theory that Kirk’s logs just get circulated round headquarters for lulz before being dumped in the circular file as obvious fabrications by someone bored with a frontier posting.
“Hey, have you seen this one? He says he fought Apollo.”
“What, the old earth probe?”
“Try the old earth GOD!”
“Hilarious! Classic Kirk! That’s better than the time when he was transported to an evil dimenison.”
The reason why in The Naked Now it was Riker who remembered that the previous polywater infection had happened is that he’s the sort of person who would read The Hilarious Adventures of Captain Kirk for fun.

I especially like this idea because of the implication that all the other captains in Starfleet are reporting perfectly ordinary experiences like visiting a space station, dropping off supplies at a colony, bit of a stand-off with some Klingons in disputed space but got out of it unscathed - and then there’s Kirk all, “sorry guys we’ve been off course this week because my first officer seriously needed to get laid (LIKE YOU HAVE NO IDEA MY NECK STILL HURTS)” and “let me tell you about the Chicago Gangster planet” and “WHIPPED AND THROWN IN JAIL BY SPACE NAZIS.”

I actually really like the above explanation

“So wait, they stole his first officer’s brain?”

I always preferred the idea that every single Constitution-class starship of the Kirk era was running into all kinds of insane shit and so the Enterprise’s adventures mostly just got lost in the shuffle.

“Sir, Starbase 12 reports a flock of space sharks cruising through the system.  They’re worried about them chewing on the antennae.”

“Can we get the Hood over there to monitor their path and shoo them off if need be?”

“No can do sir, Hood called in two days ago, says the Captain took his security detail down to the local surface to fight an army of evil komodo dragons.”

“Damn.  What about the Valiant?”

“Captain says she’s currently engaged in a duel of wits with a clone of Bismarck.”

“Like the battleship?”

“No sir, a clone of Otto von Bismarck, the German chancellor from the 1900s.”

“I’m scared to ask, but where’s the Potemkin?”

“Last reported in pursuit of a super-intelligent shade of blue.”

“God’s sake.  What about the Enterprise, are they available?”

“Something about a hole in space.”

“Christ, it’s always something.”

@tinsnip
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lannamichaels:

gnomerino:

bigsis144:

fenrisesque:

space-feminist:

iveforgottenmyusername:

jumpingjacktrash:

pipistrellus:

one thing that makes me sad about startrekverse is that alongside genuinely utopian things like “in the future there will be no poverty or hunger or crimes or illness” there is also “in the future there will be no religion” like what is this a john lennon song. i am sending you my least amused face

it saddens me that apparently a utopian future involves “”transcending”” religion which apparently universally and inherently holds humanity back?? whaaat. give me a break

i dont want to imagine a utopian SPACE FUTURE which has no, like, hijabi starfleet officers, or space rabbis bickering about what counts as “sunset” when you are on a space station. or what counts as “friday” for that matter

BUT MOST OF ALL

I DONT WANT TO IMAGINE A SPACE FUTURE IN WHICH EVERYONE DOES NOT VALIANTLY PRETEND THAT THERE IS NO ONE HOME ON THEIR STARSHIP WHEN THE MORMON MISSIONARY PODS COME BEETLING BY WITH THEIR DIGITAL PAMPHLETS

AND I AM WILLING TO BET THAT YOU DONT WANT TO IMAGINE THAT EITHER

i was nodding along all serious and then my tea came out my nose

“Captain, we’re being hailed”

“On Screen”

“Hello Captain, this is the Mormon Faith Ship Joseph Smith, have you thought about letting Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ into your life?”

“…You have reached the holographic life size double of Captain Pipistrellus, please leave a message after the beep. Um… beep?”

#omg can u imagine Space Judaism#it would be even worse than regular Judaism#in the best possible way

You’d think you’re making first contact on a new planet… but no, there’s already a Chabad house there, doors open to all.

There are a number of jokes about first contact situations where the aliens come to earth and have already encountered Chabadniks.

EXTERIOR - MARS - AFTERNOON

MARK WATNEY is driving across MARS. We see the lovely, lonely planet. Red
sand goes off into the distance, an unending forbidding terrain. Then MARK
comes across a mysterious STRUCTURE. Outside stands a woman in a customized
spacesuit of a design that does not comply with the regulations of any space
program that MARK is familiar with. For one, she’s wearing a skirt.

WOMAN IN SPACESUIT:

Shalom! Bruchim ha-bayim! Welcome! Do you need a place to stay by for
Shabbos? You would be doing a chessed. It’s almost candle-lighting and we need
one more for the minyan.
jeb124: (Default)
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Oh, I’m sorry, I guess I must’ve hallucinated the part where he was LITERALLY RESURRECTED FROM THE DEAD.
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loobeeinthesky:

“To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path, and don’t worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest”

Saw this photo and just had to draw it -ref
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bonesmccoy:

Can we talk about this for a moment? Bones goes from having to be drunk to even dare ride in a shuttle to actually flying one himself and doing a damn good job at it.
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paggycarter:

When we were in that place, Krall would come and take someone. There were screams, I can still hear them. And we would not see that person again. We did not know who would be next. My father planned an escape but we were seen by the one they call Manas. My father fought him so I could get out. He was brave and Manas killed him. What you want is impossible.
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colinfirth:

Lieutenant Uhura wears a Vulcaya amulet which I presented to her as a token of my affection and respect.
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colinfirth:

Lieutenant Uhura wears a Vulcaya amulet which I presented to her as a token of my affection and respect.
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nicolegendary:

lancastrien:

I couldn’’t just leave you there looking all pathetic.

#i’m gonna throw the fuck up

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